Seething

I'm sorry I'm not writing more often, but the days are slowly filling up and when I do have time I'm either spending it staring blankly into space or kneading at the giant welt that has started to grow on my brain. The only things I can ever think to write are sad sad April's sad blogs. And I really don't want to come off as a depressed person, or spend the rest of my life spreading my ill-mindedness to the rest of society. However, more than ever I find myself in an awkward place. I am moving forward and standing still, full of hope but rooted in a sense of failure. I guess the problem is I've orchestrated my life to a point where I don't really fit anywhere anymore and I no longer have the energy to shave the misshapen corners so I can edge in. I am having a hard time because I find myself surrounded by a lot of pre-existing conflicts, I'm not really hooked into these conflicts nor do I have a desire to be, but they still exist and I still feel the tiny shockwaves from their existence. I am not a super get in everybody's business kid of a girl. In fact I am exactly the opposite--I don't even like to be in my own business. The reason for this is small things often feel like large lesions to me. I can rationally solve and calm most conflicts, but I personally feel the pain of them for days months and weeks afterward, despite affecting a cool demeanor. To this day small mistakes or errors in judgment from when I was, you know, seven, creep in my ear. I know better than to let these thing terrorize me mentally, but I cannot avoid their impact on my heart. It's something I come by genetically. Anyway, so I'm feeling these rifts all around me and then I'm still dealing with my whole need for success thing. And honestly it's all just exhausting. I really want more than anything just to be funny and light--and I've even been trying that thing where you smile to make yourself feel better. But...
That said I am starting to rediscover comics as a release and relief. Recently I picked up Persepolis 2, which I had avoided because I loved/was moved by the first book so much, and had heard bleh reviews of the second. The second book picks up with Marjane in Austria trying to find her way as a foreigner without any immediate parental support. The complaints I had heard were that she just seemed so whiny compared to the first book--which she does, but this deals with her teenage years and early twenties, and if anything I KNOW that this is well tread ground for this age group (see: above paragraph). And while I felt that a new world was opened to me in the first book, I felt several were exposed in the second. A lot of autobiographical comics delve into the same subject matter--sexuality, drug use, etc. which I often enjoy voyeuristically but don't feel I gain much from. Here, there is motive and need. A young, well-educated girl from a barred off country is thrust into the midst of the Western world with little to no guidance. She bumps from idea to idea from group to group from experience to experience with only her wavering sense of right and wrong to lend her journey backbone. At times, yes, she seems horribly spoiled in her observations, but it is interesting to view the world through her lens. That said, my favorite bits are when she goes back Iran, because I appreciate the personalization of what, to me, is just an idea of a country. To meet the citizens of this world, especially in Sartrapi's accessible linework helps me feel more connected and more concerned about the fate of that nation. That, and her grandmother totally cracks me up.
Also on the docket was the fifth collection of Y: The Last Man, a book I started reading simply because I worked in a comic shop and it was impossible not to know about it. While the concept is fun, I've always found the execution a little over the top for my taste and the art sort of eh (again for my taste, it's just totally average for the fare), but it's got this certain charm about it that makes me continue with it. I think it's just that, like Vaughn's other book Runaways, it's just so damn readable that it seems a good way to pass some time. Like a particularly watchable soap opera or laugh-tracked proscenium arch sitcom. Not the height of the form, but enjoyable enough to accompany that cup of coffee.
Is anyone else here blessed with BBC America, and if you are do you find yourself staying up way to late to watch comedies like Little Britain, Green Wing, and the I've-been-waiting-to-watch-it-for-so-long-that-when-I-saw-the-advert-I-nearly-combusted-into-a-million-curly-flakes Spaced? Suckers, I have a dvr again so I can watch them at my leisure and avoid the comedy hangover the next day.