If you're feeling blue...

I recommend a good hard skate with your new team. The endorphins will continue into the next day. Ahhhh.

Seething

I'm sorry I'm not writing more often, but the days are slowly filling up and when I do have time I'm either spending it staring blankly into space or kneading at the giant welt that has started to grow on my brain. The only things I can ever think to write are sad sad April's sad blogs. And I really don't want to come off as a depressed person, or spend the rest of my life spreading my ill-mindedness to the rest of society. However, more than ever I find myself in an awkward place. I am moving forward and standing still, full of hope but rooted in a sense of failure. I guess the problem is I've orchestrated my life to a point where I don't really fit anywhere anymore and I no longer have the energy to shave the misshapen corners so I can edge in. I am having a hard time because I find myself surrounded by a lot of pre-existing conflicts, I'm not really hooked into these conflicts nor do I have a desire to be, but they still exist and I still feel the tiny shockwaves from their existence. I am not a super get in everybody's business kid of a girl. In fact I am exactly the opposite--I don't even like to be in my own business. The reason for this is small things often feel like large lesions to me. I can rationally solve and calm most conflicts, but I personally feel the pain of them for days months and weeks afterward, despite affecting a cool demeanor. To this day small mistakes or errors in judgment from when I was, you know, seven, creep in my ear. I know better than to let these thing terrorize me mentally, but I cannot avoid their impact on my heart. It's something I come by genetically. Anyway, so I'm feeling these rifts all around me and then I'm still dealing with my whole need for success thing. And honestly it's all just exhausting. I really want more than anything just to be funny and light--and I've even been trying that thing where you smile to make yourself feel better. But...
That said I am starting to rediscover comics as a release and relief. Recently I picked up Persepolis 2, which I had avoided because I loved/was moved by the first book so much, and had heard bleh reviews of the second. The second book picks up with Marjane in Austria trying to find her way as a foreigner without any immediate parental support. The complaints I had heard were that she just seemed so whiny compared to the first book--which she does, but this deals with her teenage years and early twenties, and if anything I KNOW that this is well tread ground for this age group (see: above paragraph). And while I felt that a new world was opened to me in the first book, I felt several were exposed in the second. A lot of autobiographical comics delve into the same subject matter--sexuality, drug use, etc. which I often enjoy voyeuristically but don't feel I gain much from. Here, there is motive and need. A young, well-educated girl from a barred off country is thrust into the midst of the Western world with little to no guidance. She bumps from idea to idea from group to group from experience to experience with only her wavering sense of right and wrong to lend her journey backbone. At times, yes, she seems horribly spoiled in her observations, but it is interesting to view the world through her lens. That said, my favorite bits are when she goes back Iran, because I appreciate the personalization of what, to me, is just an idea of a country. To meet the citizens of this world, especially in Sartrapi's accessible linework helps me feel more connected and more concerned about the fate of that nation. That, and her grandmother totally cracks me up.
Also on the docket was the fifth collection of Y: The Last Man, a book I started reading simply because I worked in a comic shop and it was impossible not to know about it. While the concept is fun, I've always found the execution a little over the top for my taste and the art sort of eh (again for my taste, it's just totally average for the fare), but it's got this certain charm about it that makes me continue with it. I think it's just that, like Vaughn's other book Runaways, it's just so damn readable that it seems a good way to pass some time. Like a particularly watchable soap opera or laugh-tracked proscenium arch sitcom. Not the height of the form, but enjoyable enough to accompany that cup of coffee.
Is anyone else here blessed with BBC America, and if you are do you find yourself staying up way to late to watch comedies like Little Britain, Green Wing, and the I've-been-waiting-to-watch-it-for-so-long-that-when-I-saw-the-advert-I-nearly-combusted-into-a-million-curly-flakes Spaced? Suckers, I have a dvr again so I can watch them at my leisure and avoid the comedy hangover the next day.

Rundown

I've been training at the main library branch this week, which is good because I'm learning a lot--but is also crazy stressful for me because I haven't instantly memorized all of the computer commands. I really really hate not being good at things, especially when I feel like I'm being scrutinized which brings me to...

WFTDA testing. We've been doing WFTDA testing all this week at derby practice which is not great because a) it means I don't really get in the he exercise I'd like to and b) I stress out because people are making marks about me. I think I've done well so far, and actually it doesn't really count toward anything, it's just a general review of skills that need to be improved over all, but I still get cranky that I'm not perfect (for example I two foot jumped over a pathetic little broom instead of a giant barrier thingy because I was afraid of breaking my butt--which one of the skaters actually did). Tonight is some of the more difficult stuff like speed and checking, but I'm not all that worried about these either except that once I become the focal point my stomach will once again go all goofy.
I'm really glad to have my team, because I feel much more a part of everything--I got headshots taken on Tues, have shirts for my uniform, etc. And I can get really nervous about bouting the Bullies on July 16th (they are only 1-2, but I think they are far more badass than their record shows)

Tomorrow we move into our townhouse in the GV, I'm excited and a little nervous that our furniture won't fit as we are losing a lot of square footage in the name of adorable.

Also I've been neglecting the blog because of our new (I say our, really it's Ryan's) DS Lite which is honestly better than a baby or pet. Mostly we play these tests that are full of brain agility puzzles, which I find bizarrely entertaining--and even more entertaining to compete against Ryan at. I've always thought he was quite a bit smarter than me, so it's fun to know I'm better at some things like memorization, etc.

This library thing is going to save me tons of money (and space!), as I can request just about anything and have it delivered to work. I don't know why the concept of free never sunk into my repetoire before this, as I have spent my fortune on books.

I'm still trying to decide what to study/do with my life. I'm starting to think a degree in education may be advantageous--but I am still drawn to the idea of art school (even after seeing Art School Confidential) or studying culture and history. I wish I lived in one of those Iron Curtain countries that assigned positions, because while I appreciate my freedom of thought/choice/whatever--it's really the primary source of weird stress in my life. Sigh.

Um, I deliver?!

I found out tonight that I am officially a Take-Out, the semi-ninja themed team of OHRG. It's a mixed blessing, as they just became the only undefeated team (and crowd favorite) in the league on Sunday. Their skills are deep, and I'm a little worried I won't get play time (or screw things up if I do), but I think their style of play is similar to how I want to play: clean, hard, and fast. Plus I get to wear red, which is hot. I've wanted to be on a team all this time, and it's fun to know where I belong, but in some ways it closes three other doors, and three other envisioned derby lives with three other teams. I'd feel this way no matter what: happy as hell, but still a little let down. Silly. S'okay I've got a long way to go before I'm something to scream about, and I think I landed on a team with a lot of skaters I can learn from, so hurrah! Also it's the team I orignally loved the idea of of, hurrah! Hurrah, hurrah, I'm awesome.

Answers

1 Ryan and I say, "I hate them" whenever we see this delectable dessert...
ANSWER: c) Cream Puff

Apparently not enough of you have seen one of the finest films to ever be, um, filmed. The Impostors featuring Stanley Tucci and the always delicious Oliver Platt features a scene in which Mr. Platt shoves an entire puff in his mouth and says the epic line, "I hate them." Seriously this is a fantastic movie, especially if you enjoy broad shipboard farce featuring a variety of swell actors including Campbell Scott, Hope Davis, Lili Taylor, Allison Janney, etc...

2) Prior to derby, what sport did I schedule my life around?
ANSWER: a) Swimming

Yup, I was good too. After coming home in tears from my first practice because I sucked so much, I persisted and became one of the better swimmers in my age group in the region. But after a few false starts (not literally) I finally quit after my sophomore year of high school mostly because it conflicted with the National Forensics League (geek).

3) My Grandma Doris and I both favor the same mixed drink. Which is it?
ANSWER: b) Manhattan

Whiskey and vermouth with a cherry garnish makes me an incredibly lovely girl. Apparently it had the same effect on my grandma in her heyday. Love the whiskey and soda too, but mostly because Manhattans are just too costly too drink on a regular basis (upwards of $7 to have it made with the right booze).

4) I met my husband in which high school course...
ANSWER: c) Honors World History

It was actually a sophomore class but Ryan had transferred in having taken the government course scheduled for junior year, therefore he had to pick up the WH requirement with the young'ns. We spent many lunch periods together outside the class because we were both transfers and barely knew anyone. Swoon.

5) Which esteemed profession have I NOT portrayed on stage...
ANSWER: d) prostitute

I have never played a lady of the night despite their prevalence in stage plays. Both the telephone operator and reporter were encompassed in my auspicious role as F2 in 'Machinal,' and I played a waitress the year before in 'Fun.'

6) If I could turn into any of the characters I've dressed up as for Halloween I would select...
ANSWER: d) Suzanne Pleshette in the Birds

Slim pickens for the good life among my 10/31 alter egos. I know she gets pecked to death by birds, but if I could look and sound like her even for an hour I think I'd embrace that fate. Rawr.

7) Right now, at this very minute, my mouth tastes like...
ANSWER: c) coffee

Whiskey often a good bet, but almost every night Ryan and I take a stroll to Cup O Joes to get a giant Rice Krispy treat and caffeine. He still passes out around 11, whereas I seem to be drug into the wee hours of the morning by my intake. But I just can't say no.

8) On a scale of entertaining I rank myself at...
ANSWER: c) Christopher Guest movie

I think this may have been one of the trickier questions. My enormously low self-esteem might have led even me to believe that I am no more entertaining than the snoozefest of a golf video game. However, while I assume most consider me dull as dry toast, I find myself to be vastly amusing. However I do not reach the Silverman level as I'm not 'edgy' or 'sadistic' nor do I have one of the best voices ever, so I have to settle with being weird and random like the Six-Fingered Man's mockumentaries.