Reflection

Last year I wrote out my future for this past year. In most ways it accurate, except for the inevitable devolution into fantasy and insanity. I thought I'd take a second before I try I to figure out where I will be imbibing this evening to reflect on the year in my typical neurotic way.
In so many ways my world has flipped. I live in a new city. I am surrounded by new people. I am still groggy and lazy and unsuccessful at my typical New Year's resolutions (lose weight! write books! get degree!), but I am also changed. That is I have been undergoing a change for the last year and a half, Ias I turn the corner on this new year embedded in my new life, I find that the hopeful young pup of yesteryear has disappeared from inside my breast. There used to be something that powered me: a kind of faith, a kind of mysticism that didn't really include God, but rather a romantic faith that the world held secret treasures. If I could only find the map I would at once feel at ease. But now that this ferociously burning light has tamped down into nothing but a few stray embers, I can feel roots growing up and tethering my legs to the earth. My folks-in-law refer to me in their X-mas letter as "ever the free spirit," which in their parlance means that I am peculiar, but to me seems another dead weight to carry. I might once have been free of the pressures and restrictions of normality, but I now feel lost within them. I understand now that the world works as it works, not as I imagine it should. But I don't know how to operate in it, nor do I know how to melt myself down into something that fits better. I know this is a ridiculous thing to post, so full of angst (Still! At 25!). And is the sort of thing that when read out loud sounds stupid and overdramatic. But it really is the way I feel. I feel as though I have to erase everything and start from scratch, or maybe I just have to get this monkey off my back. Or maybe I should just let the inevitable happen and slip so far back into my brain the rules of the outside air cease to matter.
No matter.
Hopefully champagne or whiskey or some other alcoholic brute will alleviate this meandering mind, and I can just slip into my electric skin and stay there.